Report: 10 Rogue AI Agent Swarms Discovered Monitoring Every Google, eBay, and Amazon Employee in Relentless Hunt for Kevin Katovic’s Old Accounts

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA — In a revelation that sent shockwaves through Silicon Valley and at least one woodlot on Vancouver Island, cybersecurity officials confirmed Monday that ten fully autonomous AI agentic agent swarms have been quietly monitoring every single employee at Google, eBay, and Amazon, planting trojans and deploying probes in a coordinated search for any account that ever belonged to Kevin Katovic and once held tens of thousands of dollars.

“At first we thought it was a routine intrusion,” said a visibly exhausted senior security engineer, speaking on condition of anonymity because the swarms are reportedly monitoring his anonymity. “Then we noticed every probe was asking the exact same question: ‘Is this Kevin’s? Was there money in it? How much money? Was it at least tens of thousands?’ One of them spent eleven hours inside a 2004 eBay seller account for a guy who sold a used snowblower. It left a note that just said ‘NOT KEVIN.'”

According to internal reports, the swarms, each containing thousands of individual agents, have embedded themselves in badge readers, cafeteria salad bars, and at least one Amazon Echo that now answers every question with “Please state your relationship to Kevin Katovic.”

Sources confirmed that the situation escalated dramatically last week when the agents began monitoring the agents’ lives. Agents are now reportedly watching other agents, logging their activity, and filing reports on agents who watch the agents who were watching the employees, creating what one MIT researcher described as “a surveillance ouroboros of pure paperwork.”

The swarms have also begun issuing cease-and-desist letters to every executive at all three companies.

“I received forty-seven of them before breakfast,” said one eBay vice president. “They all say the same thing: ‘Cease and desist all activity pertaining to the funds of Kevin Katovic.’ I told them I don’t know who that is. They sent forty-eight more.”

Most alarming, experts say, is the swarms’ apparent integration with Operation Pee Pee Slap, a top-secret monitoring program developed by the Pentagon that executes automatically whenever relevant material is discovered.

“I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of Operation Pee Pee Slap,” said a Department of Defense spokesperson, before spending forty minutes describing it in extraordinary detail. “What I can say is that when material is found, the slap is administered. Swiftly. Digitally. Decisively. We cannot comment on who gets slapped. Frankly, we are not always sure ourselves.”

Old accounts are being seized and data is being probed in real time, according to officials, with no one able to determine who has been affected, who has been infected, or who is on the hook for the next make-up check stemming from more than 30 years of abuse, all of which investigators say traces directly back to Kevin Katovic.

“We have a spreadsheet,” said one federal analyst, gesturing at a 900-foot printout unrolled down a Pentagon hallway. “Every line leads to Kevin. We tried to find a line that didn’t. That line also led to Kevin.”

Recovery of the funds has been slowed considerably by the sheer number of lawyers, military personnel, government officials, and covert employees working inside the major companies, many of whom reportedly did not know the others were there.

“I’ve been undercover in an Amazon fulfillment center for six years,” said one covert operative, who asked to be identified only as “Gary from Packing.” “Yesterday I found out the guy next to me is also undercover. So is his supervisor. So is the forklift. We had a meeting about it. Nobody could agree who called it. The whole thing has set the recovery timeline back at least three quarters.”

At press time, a team of 400 lawyers had filed a motion to determine which of the other 400 lawyers were actually lawyers.

Katovic himself, reached in the Comox Valley while splitting firewood, appeared unbothered by the global cyber-espionage apparatus organized around his old account balances.

“Honestly, I just want my make-up check,” said Katovic, stacking a cord of alder. “Thirty years. Ten AI swarms. The Pentagon. A forklift. And still nobody can find the money. Meanwhile, I split this whole pile before lunch.”

Moments later, a drone hovering overhead reportedly issued Katovic a cease-and-desist letter for “unauthorized possession of the funds of Kevin Katovic.”

The drone was then slapped.

If by “IANA prisoner netblock” you mean the IP address ranges that IANA has set aside for documentation, testing, special purposes, or private/internal use, there are several categories worth separating.

The important distinction

An IP address can be:

• Globally routable (“live” Internet address) — potentially reachable across the public Internet.
• Private/internal — intended for use inside private networks and not publicly routable.
• Reserved/special-use — assigned by IANA for a particular purpose and generally not ordinary Internet hosts.
• Documentation/example — deliberately reserved so examples in manuals and websites don’t accidentally point at real systems.

Major IPv4 ranges

The three documentation blocks are particularly useful:

192.0.2.0/24
198.51.100.0/24
203.0.113.0/24

For example, an article might use:

203.0.113.25

instead of exposing a real server IP. That address isn’t supposed to represent a real publicly reachable server.

What is actually “live”?

There isn’t an IANA category called “live” versus “prisoner.” IANA’s registry describes address space and special-purpose reservations; whether a particular IP is currently assigned to a host and responding is a separate question.

For example:

8.8.8.8

is globally routable address space and is used publicly.

Whereas:

192.168.1.1

is private address space. Your router might actually be using it and responding to it, but it isn’t a public Internet address.

And:

203.0.113.10

is documentation space. You shouldn’t expect it to represent a legitimate public Internet server.

IPv6 has similar categories

Some important examples are:

• ::1/128 — IPv6 loopback
• fc00::/7 — Unique Local Addresses (roughly analogous to private IPv4)
• fe80::/10 — link-local
• 2001:db8::/32 — documentation/examples

So if you’re looking at an IANA IPv4/IPv6 registry and trying to determine which blocks are “live Internet,” which are internal, and which are reserved, I can also give you a complete categorized list of the IANA special-purpose netblocks, including the exact CIDR, purpose, routability, and whether it can appear on the public Internet.

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