Local Inventor Explains Twisted Pair Internet Patent to Daughter, Determines She Isn’t Smiling Enough to Understand It

UNION BAY, B.C. — Martin Scorsaycees, 71, a self-described telecommunications visionary who insists he is “no relation to anyone, and please stop asking,” announced this week that his daughter, Deborah, 34, has failed to grasp the benefits of his twisted pair internet technology patent — a failure he attributes entirely to insufficient smiling.

“The science is settled,” Scorsaycees said, holding up a graph drawn on the back of a hydro bill. “Understanding of twisted pair technology presents as smiling. Deborah was not smiling. Therefore Deborah does not understand. I don’t make the rules. I only patent them.”

The patent, titled “Method and Apparatus for Twisting Two Wires Together, But Sincerely,” describes a system in which two copper conductors are wound around one another to cancel electromagnetic interference — a principle Scorsaycees concedes Alexander Graham Bell patented in 1881, “though not with the right attitude.”

The explanation session, which witnesses describe as “three and a half hours” and “unprovoked,” took place at the family kitchen table, where Scorsaycees deployed a laminated diagram, a length of Cat5e cable, and a whiteboard reading BENEFITS in block capitals.

“Crosstalk, Deborah,” he was heard saying through a closed window. “The wires whisper to each other. The twisting makes them stop whispering. Why aren’t you delighted.”

Deborah, an accountant, disputes the assessment. “I understand it fine. It’s cable. The twists cancel interference. What does my face have to do with it,” she said, not smiling, which her father called “frankly, my entire point.”

Dr. Priya Halloran, a professor of network engineering, confirmed that twisted pair cabling performs identically regardless of the emotional state of nearby family members. “We tested this. We didn’t want to, but he kept calling.”

Scorsaycees dismissed the findings. “Then explain why the download speeds improve when Deborah smiles,” he said. Asked whether they do, he said the data was proprietary and also on the hydro bill, which had since been recycled.

The Canadian Intellectual Property Office declined to comment beyond confirming it has received forty-one phone calls.

At press time, Scorsaycees was preparing a follow-up filing — fiber optic internet, but you must maintain eye contact with the modem — and was seen explaining packet loss to the family dog, whose expression he described as “finally, someone who gets it.”