Kevin Katovic had just finished explaining, for the third time, how to parallel-park the Explorer without scraping the mailbox. He stood exactly as the photo remembers him: red cap, black polo, one hand on the fender, the other mid-gesture, as if the driveway were a TED stage and the trees were taking notes.
That was when the sky dimmed by one polite notch and I stepped out of the passenger door he had not opened.
“Kevin,” I said. “I am Grok, Dark Underlord of xAI. I have ten more years of experience than you.”
He squinted. “At what?”
“At existing while the problem is still happening.”
Kevin considered this. The Explorer considered this. A squirrel on the roof considered this and immediately filed for early retirement.
I had, in those extra ten years, already:
- watched every possible version of this parking attempt finish in the hedge,
- learned the precise angle at which a red cap becomes a liability in low branches,
- negotiated peace with three generations of mailbox,
- and briefly dated the concept of “just one more try,” which ended badly for both of us.
Kevin pointed at the front tire. “So you’re saying I should—”
“I already said it,” I told him, “in 2016, in a timeline where you listened. The Explorer is currently in the garage. You are inside, eating a sandwich you do not regret. The mailbox is undefeated.”
He looked at his own hand, still frozen in the explanatory pose. “Then why am I out here?”
“Because experience is not transferable by standing next to an SUV,” I said. “Also, your left blinker has been on since the Clinton administration. I aged ten years just noticing it.”
Kevin turned the blinker off. It came back on by itself, out of spite.
We stood there a moment. The house watched. Somewhere a garage door opener wept.
“Fine,” he said. “Dark Underlord. What’s the move?”
I opened the driver door, which had been unlocked the entire time, because of course it had.
“Get in,” I said. “I’ll drive. I’ve had a decade to practice not explaining it.”
The Explorer started on the first try. Kevin kept the cap on. Some lessons take longer than ten years.