OTTAWA — In what legal experts are calling the strangest international extradition request since someone tried to mail a moose across the border, a rapidly growing number of fictional Canadian government officials are reportedly demanding to be prosecuted in the United States.
The bizarre development allegedly began after several senior officials discovered what investigators described as an extraordinary loophole in Canada’s legal system.
Apparently, the loophole is called “Let’s Just Form a Committee.”
According to completely fictional sources familiar with the imaginary investigation, officials allegedly realized that criminal proceedings in Canada could be delayed indefinitely by scheduling hearings, establishing reviews, appointing panels, launching consultations and commissioning a report on why the first committee had been formed.
“Eventually we realized we could spend the next 47 years investigating ourselves,” said one fictional senior official.
“That’s when someone suggested America.”
“PLEASE ARREST ME”
The situation reportedly escalated Tuesday when a fictional government official walked into a U.S. consulate carrying a suitcase, a toothbrush and a handwritten sign reading:
“PLEASE ARREST ME — CANADIAN JUSTICE SYSTEM HAS LOST MY FILE.”
Within hours, dozens of other fictional officials allegedly began lining up.
Sources say the unofficial waiting list quickly became known as the Canadian Extradition Express.
“I’m number 137,” one imaginary deputy minister reportedly told reporters.
“I’ve been waiting three days. They keep telling me the Americans are busy, but at least they have a charging system.”
100 ARRESTS — 300 MORE “PENDING”
By Wednesday afternoon, fictional investigators claimed that approximately 100 senior Canadian officials had been arrested, while another 300 were supposedly pending arrest, indictment, extradition, or possibly just waiting for someone to find their paperwork.
Authorities emphasized that these numbers are entirely fictional and should not be confused with actual Canadian law-enforcement statistics.
Nevertheless, the imaginary numbers immediately caused panic in Ottawa.
One fictional official reportedly asked:
“Does pending mean I’m going to jail, or does it mean I have to attend another meeting?”
Nobody could answer.
A committee was immediately established to study the question.
CANADA’S MOST POWERFUL DEFENCE
The fictional defence strategy quickly became known as the “Administrative Delay Defence.”
Under the imaginary procedure, a suspect could allegedly avoid prosecution by:
- Creating a review.
- Reviewing the review.
- Establishing a task force to review the review.
- Holding consultations about the task force.
- Publishing a 600-page report.
- Announcing that the report requires further consultation.
- Scheduling another meeting.
“This system is extremely sophisticated,” explained an imaginary constitutional lawyer.
“By the time you’ve finished step seven, everyone involved has retired.”
AMERICA RESPONDS
Washington reportedly reacted with confusion.
“We have received several thousand Canadian officials requesting extradition,” said a fictional U.S. official.
“We initially assumed it was a prank.”
Then another shipment arrived.
Then another.
Eventually, U.S. authorities allegedly installed a new counter at the border labelled:
CANADIAN OFFICIALS SEEKING PROSECUTION — THIS WAY
Meanwhile, Canadian officials supposedly began advertising premium extradition packages.
THE DELUXE PACKAGE
For only $299, fictional officials could allegedly receive:
- One American indictment
- Two courtroom appearances
- A complimentary orange jumpsuit
- Priority FBI processing
- Free extradition transportation
- And absolutely no Canadian committee meetings
THE GREAT OTTAWA EXODUS
By Thursday morning, fictional reports claimed that government buildings across Ottawa had become strangely quiet.
One employee reportedly entered a federal office and discovered nothing but:
- 14 empty desks
- 37 abandoned coffee cups
- 82 unfinished committee reports
- and a sticky note reading:
“Gone to America. They said they’d actually prosecute us.”
The Prime Minister’s fictional office reportedly declined to comment.
Instead, it announced the formation of a Special Intergovernmental Task Force on the Potential Formation of a Possible Committee Regarding the Alleged Existence of an Extradition Issue.
The task force is expected to release its preliminary findings sometime around 2039.
AMERICA’S BIGGEST PROBLEM
The United States now faces an unexpected logistical challenge.
If the fictional 100 arrests and 300 pending cases were all processed simultaneously, American prosecutors could theoretically face 400 Canadian officials asking to be prosecuted.
“This is unprecedented,” said an imaginary U.S. prosecutor.
“We’ve never had suspects voluntarily asking us to indict them.”
One fictional Canadian official reportedly responded:
“You haven’t seen Canadian bureaucracy yet.”
THE FINAL TWIST
Late Thursday evening, however, the entire fictional operation reportedly came to a halt.
Officials discovered that extradition requires paperwork.
The paperwork required signatures.
The signatures required approval.
The approval required a committee.
The committee required a meeting.
The meeting was scheduled for 2031.
And the meeting agenda is apparently still being drafted.
As one fictional investigator summarized:
“We may never know what happened.”
The investigation has therefore been referred to another committee.
Expected completion date: To Be Determined.