Mountain View, California — In what financial analysts are calling “the greatest misunderstanding of the internet since someone tried to download a 4K movie over dial-up,” Google has reportedly discovered that running one of the largest websites on Earth requires an internet connection.

Sources close to the fictional situation say the company recently received its latest bandwidth invoice and immediately called an emergency board meeting.

“Wait… we have to pay for the internet?” one fictional Google executive reportedly asked.

The room allegedly went silent.

The Search Engine That Searched Its Own Bank Account

Google, which processes billions of searches and operates an enormous collection of online services, allegedly began investigating ways to reduce its bandwidth consumption.

The first proposal was simple:

Stop using so much internet.

Unfortunately, engineers quickly determined that this would require shutting down Google Search.

The second proposal was even more ambitious:

Make the internet smaller.

Google reportedly approached several internet service providers with a revolutionary proposal to reduce the size of the entire internet by approximately 73%.

The ISPs declined.

YouTube Becomes Exhibit A

The situation allegedly became particularly serious when Google’s accounting department examined YouTube.

“Who is responsible for all these 4K videos?” an imaginary accountant reportedly asked.

“Everyone,” replied another imaginary accountant.

“Why are people uploading 14-hour videos of rain falling on a window?”

Nobody had an answer.

According to the fictional financial report, one particularly expensive video was apparently watched 37 times by the same person, resulting in an estimated bandwidth expenditure of approximately $0.000000004.

The accountant immediately recommended bankruptcy.

Google Maps Makes Things Worse

Then someone opened Google Maps.

Satellite imagery.

Street View.

Traffic data.

Business listings.

Terrain.

3D buildings.

The fictional CFO reportedly stared at the screen in disbelief.

“We’re paying to show people where the coffee shop is?”

“Yes.”

“Can’t they just ask somebody?”

The meeting reportedly ended shortly afterward.

Emergency Bandwidth Conservation Measures

Google allegedly announced a series of completely fictional cost-cutting measures:

• Search results will now load one word at a time.
• YouTube videos will initially stream at 3 pixels by 3 pixels.
• Gmail attachments larger than 12 KB will be mailed by Canada Post.
• Google Maps will replace Street View with a drawing of a street.
• Google Images will display the phrase “Imagine a picture here.”
• Chrome will ask users whether they really need the internet before opening a webpage.
• Google Cloud customers will receive their data on USB sticks.
• “Are you sure?” will be added to every Google search.

The company’s most controversial proposal is reportedly Google Lite, a new search engine containing only the word:

“Yes.”

Investors Remain Calm

Financial markets were reportedly stunned by the revelation that internet companies need infrastructure.

One fictional analyst described the situation as:

“A business model nobody saw coming: paying money to connect to the thing your business operates on.”

Google executives have allegedly reassured investors that everything is under control.

“We have billions of dollars in cash, enormous infrastructure, global data centers and some of the largest advertising operations in history,” the imaginary spokesperson said.

“So naturally, the bandwidth bill is what is going to take us down.”

The Final Solution

After weeks of negotiations, Google’s fictional engineering team allegedly developed its ultimate bandwidth-saving technology.

Google will simply stop downloading the internet.

Instead, users will be encouraged to download it themselves.

A new button will reportedly appear on Google Search:

DOWNLOAD INTERNET — 47.8 PETABYTES

Users who click it will receive a message:

“Your download will begin in approximately 3,742 years.”

Google executives reportedly called the technology “revolutionary.”

The company’s fictional CFO called it:

“The only affordable option.”

And thus, according to absolutely no legitimate financial filing whatsoever, Google is supposedly only days away from bankruptcy because it can no longer afford the internet.

Fortunately, the company has one final asset:

Google Search.

It can now search for:

“How to make money to pay for internet.”

The head engineers are already on strike and current youtube websites outside north america already display a non graphical user interface and only agree to stream videos if you put in the artists name after running ” SU ” In some cases some said go fuck yourself typed in BAp4q27hTOc and even got vivid explanations on how to do so nearly all costing 16 hours and 690 dollars CND.